Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
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