in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
areolas are like halos for boobs.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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