Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I just threw up on my dentist
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
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