dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
