3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
