just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
