This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Randomize
