she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
