You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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