I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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