had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Randomize
