I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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