i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
You had me at "let me see your balls"
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
