I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
