I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
