life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
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