So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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