I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
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