I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I just found puke in my bra..
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
