you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
