sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
