mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
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