I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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