She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
