if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
