when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Randomize
