a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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