I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Sober January is a disaster.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
