Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
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