I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
