sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
