I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Randomize
