I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
