OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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