Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
