I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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