JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
