It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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