I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
