So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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