So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Randomize
