Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
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