I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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