Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
