yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
