Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Randomize
