She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
