I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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