Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
