The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Randomize
