Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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