I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
